


If I Disappeared Tomorrow

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad, connors side, mostly connors thoughts, only SMALL hints of romance, thoughts before suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 06:34:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11374575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It wasn't a coincidence that they found Evan's note neatly folded in Connor's pocket.





	If I Disappeared Tomorrow

**Author's Note:**

> TW: suicide, not graphic though

Connor walked swiftly out of the computer lab, Evan Hansen's stupid ass note in his hand.

He was shaking.

He stormed out of the school, tears starting to form in his eyes. He walked to his car and unlocked it, tossing his bag in the passenger seat and throwing the letter on top of it.

He drove home with slightly blurry eyes, he felt as if he could crash at any moment; and honestly he wouldn't mind.

When he arrived home Zoe was at Jazz band and Larry was still at work. His mother was still sitting in the living room, and only offered him a small smile as he avoided her eye contact. He ran up to his room and plopped in his bed.

After a few seconds he remembers the letter. He grabs it and reads it line for line.

 _"Dear Evan Hansen, Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all."_ Connors ruffled eyebrows relax. He felt a pang of regret for shoving that guy.

 _"This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?"_ The brunette chuckled sadly. He understands.

 _"I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me."_ Connor frowns. Evan liked his sister. That thought put a bad taste in Connors mouth.

 _"Maybe if I could just talk to her."_ Connor rolled his eyes. He wished he could talk to Zoe too, but every time he tries he says something wrong.

 _"Maybe nothing would be different at all, I wish everything was different."_ Connor felt a stinging in his eyes. He wishes his life was different. He wishes he was happy. He wishes he was a part of a different family. He want's a different life.

 _"I wish I was part of something."_ A lump formed in Connor's throat.

 _"I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone."_ Evan was cared about in Connor's eyes.

 _"I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?"_ Suddenly Connor could barely breathe.

 _"Sincerely, Your most best, and dearest friend, Me."_ For a moment, Connor forgot he wasn't the person who wrote the note. Evan and him shared feelings almost exactly. He bites his lip, holding the letter to his chest and letting tears leak out of his eyes.

He never cries. On the day of his death he can't

Connor had been planning this day for too long. Since the beginning of Summer.

He didn't know why he didn't do it before school started. Maybe he was secretly something would change his mind.

No one bothered to try.

He slowly sat up and didn't bother wiping the tears that fell onto his red cheeks.

Numb.

He felt numb.

He had contemplated leaving notes, at least for Zoe and Cynthia if not Larry. But it would end up convincing him not do die.

He stood up still holding the note and was about to release it into the trashcan, but then he had a thought. If he left **Evan's** note, he didn't have to write anything, and.. Maybe Evan could be a part of something.

"Would anyone noticed if I just disappeared tomorrow?"

He folded the letter a few times and put it on his desk. He should clean his room.

He tidies up his bookshelf and picks up the clothes on his floor. He looks out his window.

He watches a boy riding his bike in his driveway with his dad helping him. He sees a garden starting to grow. He sees clouds drifting across the pale blue sky. Those were the reasons he hasn't attempted suicide in months. His time has come though.

He grabs the note sitting on the wood of his desk and slips it in his pocket. He takes one last look at his alarm. He new for a fact that he wouldn't see it again.

He slips out of his room quietly and goes into his bathroom.

He looks in the mirror.

He looks dead already.

Connor locks the door.

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooooo yeah... whattya think?


End file.
